Dusk or Dawn: Overcoming Darkness and finding Light.
Dusk or dawn? In a photograph, how can you tell if the deep pink hues of light are rising by degrees as dawn, or falling by degrees as dusk? Light in the dawn of the morning rises gently by degree minute by minute until the sun has risen to fill the day with light, with warmth, and with life. Darkness, however, dims the light. As the light begins to fade degree-by-degree the darkness begins to enfold and snuffs out the rest of the light as in dusk.
Light beckons for it to be followed. Throughout the day you see the brightness of light, you feel warmth, energy, and heat. Darkness is black and cold and can race from the corners of the room to snuff light out. Darkness is even tangible. Light, however, can fill a room giving it hope, heat, and brilliance. Light slices through darkness leaving a path to follow. Light, no matter how dim, how small, can be seen through the darkness as a point to fix upon. Even in the inky tangible darkness, we can fix our eyes towards that pinpoint of light. When we use light, we can find direction through the black storms of our lives, just as lights in the harbors give safe to travel around the barriers of the sea.
No one in this life is free from having dark times or trials in their lives. All darkness (no matter what caused it) feels the same for all of us. It means no light, no direction, and being hopeless.
The darkness that I faced did not descend all at once or like when a switch is turned off and darkness snuffs out the light suddenly. My darkness was teasing. It would feel like a dawn, but in reality, it was dusk. My dark sharp voice began in a subtle way to darken my life. The evidence that my voice of darkness was turning on me by varying degrees was so subtle it was like twilight slowly snuffing out the rays of light replacing them with degrees of darkness allowing for the black to slowly creep in. The slowness of each word and negative thought that my voice produced was another degree snuffing out the power of light and getting darker and darker was what I faced, and I suddenly realize I was in the dark.
For years the darkening power cast out my light by its powerful negative talk. I had been through counselors, through therapy, done confessions, but nothing would really penetrate that dark entanglement of thorny, sharp, thick, forest of words that barraged my brain. The entanglement was so dense that I had lost all hope of finding light or peace. If I was given a slightest flicker or flame of hope, it’s cold steely breath of a word would blow it out causing gray-black smoke to rise instead.
I had fallen into the trap of the negativity by believing the dark words. It was a very passive aggressive voice that I had been trying to please. I had become my inner child, weak and vulnerable. I was facing a dark demon and all I did was try to please it. I never fought the hard entanglement of words. I let the words ensnare me and pull me into more crushing darkness. Suddenly as the last layer of darkness grabbed at me and I was ready to be snuffed out, I saw a pinpoint of light through the sharp black entanglement of thorns.
The light was like a still small voice, and it pierced me to the center of my soul. The light sliced through the sharp thorny darkness leaving a narrow pathway for me to follow. The heat of the peaceful light had seared the thorny words. The light in this new dawn of the quiet strength from the morning rose gently by degree minute by minute until the sun had risen filling my life with light. The sharp thorns that cut, snagged, and held me down had been severed by the light and had released me.
I started to gain focus with this ray of hope. The ray of hope had shed a new light on the things that I was currently doing: I was in college; I was exposed to new friendships and experiences with people who loved life. They had a love for things that I used to, and it rekindled the fire for those things I thought I had lost in the darkness. I saw and longed for true friends who were talking to me again, I was cheering and tumbling again, and I was finding the gospel again. Those were pieces of this ray of hope--my new light.
One night I had a dream--an awakening--I found myself floating in the air looking around me at the many choices of my life. I didn’t see darkness, but just lack of light. As the light touched my skin, and radiated off my face, It felt like the sunlight of a happy memory. There was gentleness here in the white, bright light--there was also warmth. It was filling my soul.
With each step, I felt like I was home. The light held me; it encased me, it filled me, and suddenly, I felt my Heavenly Father’s loving arms around me. I was quiet in His beam of light. He allowed me, a fallen, pain-filled, hurt little girl to be with Him--my Father. I was encased in this light--His light! I then began to feel a sense of my home--like my mom and dad were here supporting me and walking with me in His light. I saw others, felt others who loved me. I begin to hear the gentle strains of music that added to the light as it beckoned me forward.
Suddenly, I glanced behind me. What I saw was a tunnel of darkness, a black inky hole--void of any light--I had just come from there. I had been rescued out of the inky hole by the light. I turned my head sharply from looking behind me and focused myself on the beam of light. I enjoyed the warmth, music and the love I was encased in. What had changed? Why had the light come? What had happened? One thing, and only one thing: there is opposition in all things my darkness changed to light!
In my childhood and youth had experienced the darkness, and it was time to make a choice. I chose light. I made a choice to stop listening to the sharp dark voice that pulled me into an entanglement of darkness. I just stopped listening--and suddenly light—Heavenly Father’s appeared! I was not going to allow the dark power of my negative thoughts take me to such blackness again. I could only give my all to the light and trust in it to see where it will take me. I must trust in the light that my Heavenly Father knows me and that His love is real, true, and that I could trust it. As I stood in that light at age 20, I saw my pinpoint ray of light; my dawn out of the darkest nights I had experienced. I left the darkness for the light!