March 18 Missing Pieces: Paddles, Storms, Rebuilding?
I did not see that coming (you can refer back to my other blog post about anticipation). Or maybe I can say, I did not see that coming for….a few more decades? Yes. Do you see the picture of the paddle? Yes that is my trustworthy paddle. I am very reluctantly not wanting to give up my paddle. I very much so want to hold onto it and keep on stroking my way through the river of denial in my my comfortable little canoe. I very much so want to just stroke and stroke with my paddle because it is rhythmic. It feels almost therapeutic, and it has been easier to do that then to pull over to the side of the river, anchor the boat, throw down my paddle and walk towards the storm. How many of you can relate to enjoying your ride down the river of denial verses facing things head on? If I am the only one then you don’t have much to read. If I am not alone, then read on.
I’m learning what our new life will be like with these different medical and mental illness challenges. (Thunder rumbling). I had a very good (but VERY LONG) 3 hour meeting with our insurance provider. (Thunder rumbling and a flash of lightning). Words, date, agencies, more papers, circles, numbers, lists of more providers, different programs, free this, free that….(Flash, flash, crash, rumble--the storm is here). I take the papers, the folder which hold the helps for Garrett and for some of my other kids in my hands….(flash crash, crack of thunder, window shutter/rattle--that was close). I have answers in my hand, but I feel my brain switching over wavy clouds of dense fog setting in and not being able to comprehend all that was just said to me! (Wind whipping speeds, more pelting rain, crashing and flashing thunder and lightning I am in the depth of the storm!) By the end of the meeting I have now a TON of information and a TON of work to do. (Thunder crashing). There are waiting lists to join, agencies to help in reduced prices for medication, 3 new programs to join and seek approval to help with his everyday maintenance. (Thunder/flash/flash of light!). Services to help in caring for him long term. (Rumbles). The LONG process of seeking guardian over at least medical needs. (Tornado warning!!Tornado warning!).
I received a fold stuffed full of information and now my brain (yes I have to have conversations with her like this in order to encourage her to keep things straight) is asking---can we do this?? (I’m in the heart of the torado with the wind tearing off the loose ends of my life leaving me with only a foundation to build on).
Now that the storm has passed, I look around and assess the damage. I see the trees stripped, my cars tosses aside, the equipment around the outside of the house thrown everywhere, and many windows shattered. What is left from the storm of life? Me, my family, and My abilities (I have to believe in them--that I can do this). Ok, ok, I need to get my bearings: I need to make another visual chart for myself to see my to do list. Rearrange priorities, make a firm schedule, keep up with the other everyday to do list, and keep loving on my family. Working in the margins of life (3:00-6:00 am) has given me a little more time, but I still need 2 more days of my Spring break to really hack at the list. (Yes I have delegated. Yes I am thrilled to see how the family is stepping up, but wow, it still takes time).
Ok, reassess: I put the paddle down. I walked into the storm. I made it out on the other side.I have lots to do. However, I love my family. I love my kids. I have felt y’alls support, and especially the support of Heaven. Ok. Big breath. Here we go with making the calls, setting up appointments, getting names on waiting lists, and then calling back, making different appointments, keep up with life, with work, with my relationships. Ok. just breathe. We’ve done the terrifying part (surviving the storm). Now onto the hard part, rebuilding. Here we go.