Imagine you are at a museum and your eyes are casting themselves over the gallery of paintings as your feet carry you through the miles of hallways. Sometimes your feet stop and your eyes will focus on painting. Immediately you see shapes and forms and colors that make sense and create a scene in front of your eyes. You and others around you marvel and the talent and skills how the artists have captured it on the canvas. All pictures come into focus right away, all that is, but one. The painting is hanging near a corner and your feet carry your body towards it until you stand in the exact middle to gaze upon it.
Black and white blob shapes are scattered on a page. Your mind is forcing the blobs and shapes to make a picture in your mind. Your eyes are raking across the page try to focus it something that will resemble a form a shape that is familiar. Again and again your mind is trying and again and again it fails to bring the blobs into focus. Other people don’t seemed to be troubled by it. Some have even looked at it and smiled and steadily walked on.
You look again and again to try to see it--what is the painting about? How are others looking at it and seeing what you are not? Why is it that you are stuck and can’t see anything but the inky black blobs and white scattered patches. Wait, maybe that’s all that it is. Just a “modern art” and to not worry about it. But somehow you are focused on it and you can’t seem to leave. You must know if it is a scene, and picture of some sort. Again and again you rake and rake over the canvas, but alas, nothing.
Finally you force your eyes off the blotches and straighten up, turn, and walk away. It was not going to happen for you today--maybe on another trip to the museum. Maybe I just need more time to get things into focus. As my feet continue walk farther (for distance) and further (for perspective), and glance back one more time to see it. My feet slide to a halt at what my eyes are looking at. The black and white blotches and the same, they have the same pattern, but suddenly I realize through this new perspective that the painting is MASSIVE. It is huge! I must have only been looking at 1/16th of it before. My eyes can now see the border of the painting as it hangs in the frame. The outline of the painting has the border forcing myself to pull back my focus to seeing the painting on the whole vs the blotches.
A few shapes have formed. The black and white blotches have turned to meaning in the left corner: I see stacks of papers on a desk. The writing is clear and there are signatures--my signature was on one of them. I look upward to the left hand corner and I see outlines of people around a table--it is a meeting and I see the word ARD. My eye rake across the blotches again, nothing, nothing, nothing, then right in the center I see a shape of a clock and a calendar with 3 months on it. The months begin to blur, and suddenly, the lights flick off. I am in blackness. I stand in darkness, and the announcement echoes across the now empty halls “the museum is closed.” All I can hear is the sound of my rapid breathing in the dark hallway. In and out, inhale, and exhale... I quickly shut my eyes to force the image of painting to carve into my memory, but as I try it is like black blotches have turned into wisps of smoke lifting off the canvas, and the image fades away.
This imagery has been my experience over with life over the past 4 days--I have tried to find meaning, tired to find answers, tired to make sense of things, but just like the image in the painting, it eludes me. So, what do I do? I force myself to recall the parts of the paintings and images that did make sense to me--or that gave me answers. 1) the papers with signatures: I now have medical power of attorney, and financial power of attorney for Garrett. This means that I can know what medication, I can know what treatments, and I can help him make decisions about his medical care and not violate HIPPA and FERPA laws. (let me just tell you that the stars aligned to make that happen!).
2) the ARD meeting for Garrett and Isaac was positive. Isaac is on track for graduation, and all the teacher comments were very positive. He has access to counseling and supports when he gets frustrated or angry. All was positive for him--I was super proud. For Garrett, I think it was an eye opener for the teachers and staff who know him to see him in his current state of mind. Some were surprised and shocked, and many agreed with the decision during the meeting. Once I meet with his doctor and sign the paperwork, Garrett will finish his last semester at home so that he can complete his credits on time. Then in the fall he can begin the transition to life program.
3) What was the meaning of the calendar? The three-four months means a postponement. Kellis is still searching for some answers before he serves his mission, and just like on any journey of faith, it will take time, fall out of focus, and back into focus.
What does the blotchy black and white painting mean over all? The painting means I have three answers and even 2 solutions for the meaning of my life right now. I need to focus on what I know and allow for what I know on the canvas of my life to keep me focus and with faith so that I can see the other portions of the painting--eventually. I know that with more time I will be able to see more...am I satisfied with that? I’ll have to be. Will I exercise the faith I need? I will have too. Will I have the strength to carry that through? If I am yoked with Christ all things are possible.
A few more pieces found...and many that are still missing...but that is life. Again, I thank you all for your support.