Kary Oberbrunner you took me to my core this weekend and I'm feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable to the Destroyer. Two words that surface are worthiness and survivor again and again. Am I worthy of this opportunity to change the course of my life, plus the lives of my 9 children and husband? Or will I continue to just survive because it is what I am most familiar with?
A dear friend said to me 3 years ago, "just because your great, great, great, great grandmother Ellen had to survive doesn't mean you have to. Stop being satisfied with it!" I was caught off guard with her statement and buried that DEEP inside me. I was too afraid to deal with that at that time.
I have always identified with grandma Ellen and have been proud of her strength and of her ability to have survived what she did. I thought I was proud of her strength, but what I was really proud of was the survival and I subconsciously gave myself that honor like a badge to survive anything. (I had to sit with that truth for a few hours--that was pretty painful).
Yesterday in the training you said, we need to be "valuable before we can be visible, and do you know your value/worth?" It was like a knife had entered my chest and ripped open that statement from my friend, and a wall of pain, shame, and guilt came over me leaving me vulnerable to the Destroyer. (He's been having a party in my head all night). I also identified with your statement that I don't feel worthy of gifts (Apple Watch story), or of having more for my children for fear that if we have to go without again they will not be able to survive it.
After a few hours of wrestling with all of this, I am screaming No MORE! I am Finished! I AM of WORTH! I AM WORTHY of more. I'm leaving heavy "badge" of survival behind me and entering into THRIVING. This is the most terrifying place I've ever been in. I am NOT used to this. I don't know how to do it, but I think through prayer, fasting, scripture study, and through your work, I'll get there.
I HAD no intention of anything like this happening yesterday when I started the trainings to invest in myself, but my Heavenly Father did. He has heard my cries for decades and has tried to direct me to this path, but because of my pride to wear the "survival badge" I have deflected blessing after blessing.
Today, however, It's a blessing that it is the Sabbath day. I will renew my covenants with my Savior. I will take His name upon me and always remember Him through partaking of the sacrament again as I do weekly at church. But today I will have had a perspective and paradigm shift when I do. Why is all of this happening when life is at it's busiest?? I'm not sure, but I will take His yoke upon me and see where He leads me. I will take the pinpoint of light He has given me and strengthen it to become a BEACON of Light for all.
Will you keep walking with me, coach? I am one of those souls on fire that needs guidance to know what my spark, flame, and blaze can lead as I step into a new life. I know you can show me how to close the gaps I face in his journey. I know my soul will be a BEACON of Light to all.
April T Giauque