Guest Blog Post:
I remember my father towering over me, stepping forward to punch my mom. It was a scene that happened all too many times, and I knew there was only one thing I could do. I put myself in between and pushed my dad with all my might. He fell backward and punched a hole in the wall instead.
I stared at that hole every day, and it reminded me of the hell I was living in. I was eight years old.
After that, I spent my childhood in deep depression, emotional pain, and constant anxiety. At 14, I even tried to cut into my chest with a large kitchen knife, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted nothing more than to be free of the abuse and couldn’t understand why no matter how good a girl I was, it was never enough. I still got hit, got yelled at, and could never make my dad happy.
He even cried in my lap in apology after dragging me down the stairs and throwing me out of the house in my bare feet in the middle of winter. And that just left me confused, heartbroken, and scared.
I was constantly moving between love and hate—wanting to earn my father’s love, but feeling repulsed by him all at the same time.
After my parents got divorced, my dad moved to Hong Kong, and I continued to have nightmares, feel inadequate, and struggle with my self-esteem. I became lost and challenged by my violent memories. Eventually, my feelings of not being enough morphed into anger. Outright rage.
I blamed my father for all of the things that had not worked out in my life.
I was furious with him for leaving my mother with a pile of his debt, not knowing how to be a better dad, and for abandoning us in our time of need.
Even though he was not around, his presence was felt. His actions had been impactful enough to affect me terribly throughout my life. I created, attracted, and fed into toxic relationships and people who would only take advantage of me.
But I do not hold them responsible for my heartache. I went willingly. I wanted the love, attention, and appreciation of narcissists. Because in my mind, they represented my dad - the one narcissist I could never win over.
Three years ago, my life changed forever when I confronted my dad about the abuse. I told him that I would invite him to have a real relationship with me in the spirit of love and forgiveness, but he had to admit to what he did and didn’t get to invalidate my experiences of the abuse.
It was the first time we ever really talked about everything. I fully and freely forgave him, and we started a new relationship rooted in truth and love.
That same day my very best friend was killed, and the next day my entire world shattered when I found out what happened. It was from that moment on that I knew I didn’t have a moment to waste.
Life happens faster than we realize, and I knew I had to do something to change the way I was feeling dramatically. I had been suffering for too long under not-enoughness.
My journey from pain to redemption is chronicled in my award-winning children’s book, “If I Could, I Would: A Child’s Journey from Abuse to Hope.” It tackles the complex subject of domestic violence by using powerful imagery.
I now use my personal story as inspiration to fuel my journey in helping to change people’s lives through coaching. I help dramatically shift my clients from feeling like victims to understanding how to
RELEASE their old story,
DISCOVER their true story and
LIVE their authentic story.
I believe that with help, hope, and love, anyone can heal their story from the inside - out.
To connect with Cecilia - www.ceciliatement.com.