Updated: Oct 17, 2021
Red Flag # 3 Top 5 Ways to Tell if You Are Being Controlled By Someone Else
Because I left Domestic Violence Blessing number 5,428
ATTENTION Young Women and Women who are dating or wanting to be in relationships, listen up. Red Flag number three, CONTROL, is crucial to understand and find out before it is too late. Control is one of the highest factors leading to domestic violence. If you follow the five warning signs about control I teach in this article, it will save you a ton of grief, heartache, pain, and time wasted in your life. Don’t be the woman who tries to “wing it” through the relationship, thinking, “he is not in control of me; I’m fine.”
CONTROL. This Red Flag is very familiar to many of us when it comes to Domestic Violence. I mean, who willingly wants their freedom limited? Who willingly wants to become isolated and under control? No one. Then what happens? Control happens over time. People who abuse, "hunters," set traps and lures, and are patient to pull you in—it's not all at once.
People who control others do so because they play small, they are in a place of lack, fear, and pain, and they want to make sure that they can keep you in line, and then their world is kept in line. The deceiving factor about control is that the more they hold onto you, the more their lives are out of control.
Tip #1: How Do They Work with Others?
Check it out, look around, and open your eyes to how he is treating those closest to him in his life. Is he one to have a lot of anxiety and worry about things that he can’t control? Things like the weather, other drivers on the road, or even the neighborhood? Does he fly off the handle and spark anger, or does he try to scheme a plan to find a way to control things?
Do they use coercion or threats when they talk with you or with others? Things like “if you don’t love me, then I will hurt myself.” Do they use intimidation? For example, they begin to give you looks, damage some of your items, or kick the dog out of the way? This is a HUGE red flag.
Tip #2: They Want to Know Your Friends as a Means of Control
This Tip is critical to your safety because they are working on isolating you for themselves. This is the approach that people who abuse, or Hunters as I call them, use against their victims. If they know your friends, they can start to work stories of jealously against you, against them, and begin to shape your friends’ story as people who are not really your friends, but instead people who are using you or manipulating you. You find yourself questioning them and their actions as if they really are trying to do that to you.
Think about it. If you have had a friend for years and years and suddenly you start dating someone, and they start spreading rumors about your friend, things you never heard of, they are doing that to create doubt in your friendship, and therefore you will walk away from that friend on your own and closer into isolation.
Another piece that feeds into this control is that Hunters love to minimize, deny, and blame. They make light of the problems or abuse they are doing. They will lie about it and shift the story in a way that it is your fault. They will even use the children against you. This is control at its highest power. He is willing to control innocent people to make sure you stay in line.
Tip #3: They want to Know Where You Are at All Times Because They Love You!
Listen up! People who control others do so because they play small, meaning they don’t trust you. They want to control their world, so they control yours, and they don’t allow or permit you to be outside of their sights (physically and emotionally).
Hunters (people who abuse) are in a place of lack of fear and pain, and they want to make sure that they can keep you in line. That way, their world is in line. This plays out to look like someone caring and loving because they worry about your safety. It is not true. They are terrified that you will leave, and at the same time, they love the power they hold over you when they know where you are at all times. If your gut is telling you something is off, it is! Trust it!
Tip #4: They Demonstrate the Ultimate Superhero Behavior
You need to know this Tip because you think that they have all the answers. You believe that they will be the ones to save you from your pain and brokenness. This is the power and control that they seek. They will indeed play the rescue and hero role for a time (a few weeks, months, possibly one year) so that you are convinced, and then, the switch happens.
They will control the money but usually start that explanation to take care of you; you don’t have to worry about it. You are not so great at math, so why not let them. This is the start of financial abuse. Budgeting should be something you do together or at least talk about how things will run and work. Both parties should know what is happening, and if you don’t, then he can control your food, how far you travel if you can buy anything for yourself, your home, or your friends.
Tip #5: They Love their Male Privilege
Gulp. I hate to mention it, but using their male privilege to treat you like a servant or intimidate you into thinking that you cannot make any big decision in the relationship is a huge Red Flag. Hunters will act as the master of the castle and define everyone’s roles in their life or household. How do you see this if you are only dating and are not married or living together? You must look at their private life and ask to be a part of it (their family, friends, coworkers) so that you get a clear picture of who they are. If they are keeping you at bay from knowing anything about it, RUN! That is a warning.
Finally, why do abuses need control? They are fighting their own brokenness, fear, pain, and desire for control in their emotional nightmare. It is too scary for them to face it, so controlling others, satisfies the distracts them from their own pain. The deceiving factor about control is that the more they hold onto you, the more their lives are out of control.
I know. This is a tough article to get through, but if you're a woman who is dating who needed a running list about what control is and looks like, I hope this has helped. Remember that Control is a red flag leading to Domestic Violence and Abuse. This article definitely got you off to a great start.
By the way, if you've ever wanted a whole lot more detail about Red Flags that lead to Domestic Violence/abuse, I have a FREE Virtual Domestic Violence Conference "UNTIE in LIGHT" that has more the answers for every woman who is dating needs. Click Here Now for more: Conference